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Does your child ever have the “everything’s too noisy, too spicy, too soft, too scratchy, I HATE EVERYTHING” tantrum?
If you’re raising a highly sensitive child, whether they’re a toddler or 9 years old, you know there are some unique challenges that come with raising children with this specific trait.
Our sensitive children often struggle with challenging behaviour the most. They are often the kids that get in the most trouble and are seen as bad by others, and it can be hard for parents to know how to respond to their tantrums!
This blog takes a closer look at highly sensitive kids. You’ll walk away with a deeper understanding of this temperament, you’ll understand why your sensitive child appears strong-willed, and we will give you practical tools you can use to support your child during their tantrums!
Understanding the Highly Sensitive Child
Your highly sensitive child experiences their world in a unique way. They are more sensitive to textures in food, the feeling of their bedsheets or the way that their clothes fit. They might get easily overwhelmed when your house is really noisy. They might ask you for the volume on the TV to be lower (or they may love it super loud). Your highly sensitive child might have a strong sense of justice. They are going to stand up for what they believe is right.
Your highly sensitive child might also be deeply empathetic and compassionate. If someone else in your home is upset, they might take on their emotions. These kids are very observant. They notice when something feels off, and their behaviour might change when they can sense you are upset.
Highly sensitive kids often have a deeper appreciation for music, art and food. They have an incredible ability to understand the world around them.
Because our highly sensitive kids experience their senses at a deeper level, they are most susceptible to having big tantrums! When they don’t feel understood, when the lights, tastes, or touch is too much, they need a way to release this feeling of “too muchness” from their body.
We also see more tantrums from highly sensitive kids when the trusted adults in their lives are having a difficult time regulating their own emotions. You’ll notice that if you are having an off day, your child might also struggle more with their emotions.
Experiencing Tantrums as a Highly Sensitive Child
As mentioned, highly sensitive kids may experience tantrums differently than other kids simply because they experience the world in a different way. While tantrums are common, the way highly sensitive kids react to and recover from tantrums can differ significantly from their peers.
Emotional Responsiveness
A highly sensitive child may become overwhelmed more quickly and deeply by stimuli such as loud noises, bright lights or changes in routine, and these triggers tend to lead to more intense emotional responses compared to a child who is not highly sensitive.
They can also be more attuned to the emotional responsiveness of their caregivers. If they’re having a tantrum, they can often sense the emotions of others, making them feel even more distressed. There’s the distress of having an overwhelmed nervous system and the distress of being aware of how your tantrums are negatively affecting the people you love.
In contrast, a child with a milder temperament may have a less intense emotional response to triggers that could lead to a tantrum. They may become upset but are more likely to calm down quickly and with less external support. They can typically “shrug it off” when their tantrums are received negatively by others.
Emotional Regulation
Highly sensitive children often struggle to regulate their emotions. This can often look like longer, more intense tantrums or emotional outbursts than a child who has a more mild temperament. They may find it challenging to calm down once they are upset because they feel their emotions so intensely. Highly sensitive kids often require a lot of support to regulate during their early years. It can also take longer to “recover” from a tantrum because they need more time to process their emotions compared to a child with a mild temperament.
Children with milder temperaments typically have an easier time regulating their emotions during a tantrum. They tend to have greater success utilizing coping skills and “bounce back” after a tantrum more quickly than highly sensitive kids. By the age of 5, you may start to notice small shifts in their ability to regulate their own emotions, whereas, with highly sensitive kids, the ability to regulate their emotions can take until they’re between 7 and 9 years old.
Bodily Sensations
Physically, a highly sensitive child may experience stronger bodily reactions during a tantrum, such as rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing and tense muscles. The intensity of these sensations can also make it challenging for a highly sensitive child to physically “bounce back” after a tantrum – their bodies may need more downtime to recover from the physical toll.
Both highly sensitive and mild-tempered children experience tantrums, but the intensity and manifestation of these emotional outbursts can vary significantly based on each child’s temperament. Understanding the difference in these experiences can help caregivers provide more tailored support and intervention strategies to effectively manage tantrums and support their child’s emotional well-being.
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3 Ways to Help Highly Sensitive Children
1. Nurture the Relationship
Above and beyond anything else, a sensitive child needs to feel seen, heard and loved for who they are.
Here are a few ways you can connect with your sensitive child and strengthen the relationship with them:
- “I love you just the way they are!
- “There’s nothing you could do that could take away my love for you!”
- “Being your mom is one of the greatest gifts!”
Here are a few simple ways that you can nurture the relationship with your child:
- Spend one-on-one time with them doing something they love, like dancing, crafting or playing sports. – this can make a big difference!
- Repair. Your highly sensitive child will have a hard time moving forward in their day if you’ve had an argument or were angry with them and haven’t repaired. Make sure to come back to them and apologize if you’ve lost your cool.
2. Acknowledge the Depth of Their Feeling
It can be easy to dismiss big feelings, especially when we don’t understand them! For example, if your sensitive child is crying about the way their brother whistled, it can be easy to dismiss it and tell them to just move on. Instead, acknowledging that their feelings are real to them can be very powerful!
- “The whistle feels really loud. I hear you. You don’t like that sound. Hmm, I wonder what would help?”
- “You really don’t like these PJs! They are the worst! I hear you! I wonder why they are the worst?”
3. Set Clear and Reliable Boundaries
Sensitive kids need to know that you can handle their emotions. One of the most hurtful messages sensitive kids often receive is the message that they are “too much” or their emotions are “too big.”
Sensitive kids may appear like they know what they need and make demands or resist instruction from others. But what they really need is firm, loving leadership. This is why setting boundaries is one of the most loving tools to use with your sensitive kids – whether they’re a two-year-old or 12-year-old.
Example: Your sensitive toddler has a tantrum when you tell them storytime is over.
“You can be sad that storytime is over, but I can’t let you throw your books. If the books break, we can’t read them anymore.”
“Hmmm, it sounds like this is really hard for you. I’m going to keep you and our property safe.”
Example: Your sensitive seven-year-old has an emotional outburst when you tell them they can’t watch a movie they’ve chosen because of the rating. In a scenario like this, you might say:
“I know you really wanted to watch that movie. It’s okay to be upset. I can handle your tears.”
“It’s my job to keep you safe, and that means we can’t watch certain movies. I know this feels unfair because your friends told you they watched it. If you need to have some tears, that’s okay.”
Self-Care for Parents of Highly Sensitive Children
Being a parent of a highly sensitive child can be really tiring. You are experiencing big feelings on a daily basis, and it can be really tough to stay calm.
Here are some simple self-care practices that may be really helpful for you!
Take a Mindful Shower
Try to use your shower as a time to reset yourself.
- Notice the way the water feels on your back.
- Notice the sound of the water hitting the ground.
- Notice the smell of the shampoo.
- Notice the calming feeling the shower can bring.
- Notice the worries of the day being washed off.
- Notice any thoughts and then bring yourself back to reality.
Practice Gratitude
Daily gratitude practice can help change the way you think long term. This is a great practice to adopt, especially in those moments of parenthood where you feel overwhelmed. Start a journal or a list, and use this as a mindfulness practice to help manage stress. This might include:
- I’m grateful that the sun is shining.
- I’m thankful for this cup of coffee.
- I’m thankful that my son has his own voice.
- I’m grateful for the way my daughter turns to me when she’s sad.
Highly Sensitive Kids Aren’t Bad
They also aren’t manipulative or need our punishment. In fact, it’s through curiosity, compassion, and working with our child’s sensitivity and strong will that we can truly help make a change! Highly sensitive children are beautiful humans deserving of love and respect.
Key Takeaways
- Highly sensitive children often feel emotions and sensations more deeply, which can lead to more intense and longer tantrums.
- Nurture your relationship with your highly sensitive child by spending one-on-one time with them and engaging in activities they enjoy.
- Encourage your child to make decisions for themselves by allowing them to choose the next step during a daily routine.
- Validate your sensitive child’s emotions and help them to feel understood by acknowledging their feelings and experiences.
- Set clear and reliable boundaries to provide the stability and reassurance they need while giving them opportunities to express themself.
- Take time for self-care by practicing mindfulness, and gratitude, and nurturing your own well-being to support your child better.
- See your sensitive child as a unique human deserving love and respect to make it easier to approach their tantrums with kindness and empathy.
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