Let’s talk about crying

Baby crying. I cannot tell you how often I hear from moms in my office that their baby crying is a trigger for anger or anxiety. And it makes so much sense. When our baby is crying we often feel helpless, like something is wrong and we don’t know what to do to help them feel better. Or we feel angry, like we have done everything they need and still they are unhappy with us. It can directly impact our self worth as a parent, and can make us doubt our parenting abilities. It makes sense that your baby crying can trigger feelings of anger, anxiety, depression.

When you feel triggered by your baby’s crying

1. Take a deep breath

First things first. When you feel your baby is crying and you are starting to feel overwhelmed and have heightened emotions, take a deep breath. The adrenaline will be rushing through your body, signalling to your brain that you need to get into your fight or flight response. So before we can do anything else, we need to calm this response down.

Close your eyes. Imagine you are sitting on a beach somewhere (or wherever your favourite spot is) and take some deep breaths. Breathe in and out, in and out. Calm your nervous system down so you can think clearly.

2. Take a sensory break

Sometimes in order to calm yourself down, you need to take space from your baby.  Sometimes deep breathing on its own while you are still holding your crying baby doesn’t work. This is when I encourage moms to make sure the babies needs are met. Is your baby in a safe place? Is your baby fed? Is your baby changed? If the answers to all these questions are yes, sometimes it is ok to take a break.

Put your baby down in a safe spot, go into the bathroom for a minute or two and give yourself a sensory break. A sensory break means turning off all of the lights, and for one or two minutes sitting in silence and allowing yourself to calm down. Your baby will be ok for a few minutes if they are in a safe spot. In fact your baby will be better off with a calm mom who took a few minutes to calm herself down, then a mom who is so angry or anxious that she cannot handle it who is holding her. It is ok to take a quick break to calm yourself down.

In addition to this, if you find that you are a mom who is very sensitive to lights and noises, build in these sensory breaks into your day even when your baby isn’t crying! These moments of peace and a break from noise and stimulation will help you feel calm in the moments when your baby is crying.

3. Check in on your NESTS

It is SO MUCH HARDER to deal with crying when you are running on empty. If you find that you are constantly being triggered by your baby’s crying, it is important to check in on your own NESTS.

  • Nutrition: Are you eating during the day? Are you getting in at least one meal that has some veggies or fruits in it?
  • Exercise: Are you getting physical activity in your day? There is a lot of literature to support the connection between exercise and mental wellbeing.
  • Sleep: I know this one is very tough for new moms, but are you sleeping? There is a HUGE correlation between anxiety, depression, anger, and sleep deprivation! This is where you might need to look for a postpartum doula or call on your village to help you get at least 4 hours of consecutive sleep a night.
  • Time for self: When is the last time you took time JUST FOR YOU? If you can’t remember, then it is time to schedule that in. Do something non-baby-related just for you.
  • Support: Who is in your village? Who can you tell how you are feeling too? Know who these people are, and call on them. They want to help you, they want to see you thrive. It is OK to ask for a break, and it is OK to take that break. Good moms need support, and you are a good mom.

4. Give yourself grace

This transition into caring for a new little one is hard. For the first time this baby is depending on you for everything, and this can feel extremely overwhelming at times. Give yourself some compassion and a lot of grace.

No mom knows exactly what they are doing 100% of the time. Every baby cries from time to time, and your baby crying does not mean you are a bad mother. Your baby crying is a form of communication and sometimes all they are saying is “Hey mom I’m new here and trying to figure out this world too.” The fact that you researched this article to help you navigate your feelings tells me that you are doing amazing as a mom, despite how hard it may be at times.

Don’t be afraid to reach out for professional support either. A professional can help you work through your feelings around crying and create a plan that specifically works for you.