Stop Your Child’s Hitting With 4 Empathy-Building Steps

Written By

Jess VanderWier, MA, RP
January 20, 2025

This article has been reviewed by Nurtured First’s team of child development experts.

Imagine you’re at a playdate, engrossed in conversation with your friend, when suddenly, a piercing cry cuts through the chatter. You turn to see your child, hand still raised, standing over a tearful friend. Your immediate reaction? “TELL THEM YOU’RE SORRY RIGHT NOW!”

It’s an instinctive response, one that many of us have probably learned from our own parents. We believe that by insisting on an immediate apology, we’re teaching our children to take responsibility for their actions and showing others that we don’t condone such behaviour. But what if this well-intentioned approach is actually hindering our children’s emotional growth and their ability to develop genuine empathy?

In this post, we’ll explore why forced apologies often fall short of their intended purpose and introduce four effective strategies to nurture true empathy in your child. These techniques not only address the immediate issue of hitting but also lay the groundwork for developing emotional intelligence that will serve your child well throughout their life.

The Problem with Forced Apologies

Before we dive into other strategies, it’s important to understand why the common practice of demanding immediate apologies is problematic. When we insist that our child say “sorry” right after an incident, several issues arise:

“Sorry” Becomes Just A Word

Forced apologies are often empty words. Children say “sorry” because they’ve been told to, not because they genuinely feel remorse or understand why their action was wrong. If children learn that saying “sorry” is just something they do to avoid further trouble, it can lead to a pattern of insincere apologies that carries into adulthood.

Missed Learning Opportunity

By rushing to an apology, we skip the critical step of helping our child learn skills for empathy and understanding. Without this understanding, the apology becomes a quick fix rather than a meaningful lesson.

Prioritizing Adult Comfort

We often push for immediate apologies more for our own sake than our child’s. It helps us feel that the situation has been addressed, allowing us to move past our own embarrassment or discomfort.

Neglecting Emotional Processing

Like adults, children need time to process their emotions after a conflict. Forcing an immediate apology doesn’t allow for this emotional regulation.

Understanding these drawbacks helps us see why we need a different approach – one that fosters genuine understanding, empathy, and emotional intelligence in our children.

4 Effective Strategies to Nurture Empathy

Now that we understand why forced apologies aren’t the answer let’s explore four effective strategies for nurturing empathy when your child hits. These approaches take more time and patience in the moment, but they yield far more significant long-term benefits for your child’s emotional development.

Set Clear Boundaries

The foundation of addressing any challenging behaviour, including hitting, is to establish clear, firm boundaries. This strategy involves:

Clearly stating the boundary: Use simple, direct language that your child can understand. 

Explaining why you set the boundary: Help your child understand how the boundary keeps them and others safe.

Offering a “creative yes:” Offer your child other ways to deal with their emotions. 

Examples of setting clear boundaries:

  • “Hands are not for hitting. Hitting hurts others.”
  • “I can’t let you near the baby if you hit her. We need to keep everyone safe.”
  • “When you’re angry, you can use your words, take deep breaths, or ask for help.”

Consistency is key when setting boundaries. Make sure all caregivers are on the same page and reinforce these boundaries consistently. Over time, your child will internalize these rules and understand that hitting is not an acceptable way to express their feelings or solve problems.

Notice Emotions Without Shame

The second strategy focuses on helping your child recognize and understand their own and others’ emotions. This approach helps develop emotional intelligence and empathy. Here’s how to implement this strategy:

1. Point out the emotional impact of their actions: Help your child see how their behaviour affects others. Use clear, descriptive language to explain what you observe.

2. Encourage empathy by drawing attention to others’ feelings: Guide your child to notice and interpret the emotions of the person they’ve hurt.

3. Avoid shame or judgment in your observations: The goal is to help your child understand emotions, not to make them feel bad about themselves.

Examples of noticing emotions without shame:

  • “Do you see how your sister is crying? Hitting hurts.”
  • “I’m noticing Tommy looks really sad right now. I see him crying.”
  • “When you hit, it made your friend feel scared and upset. How do you think that feels?”

By regularly practicing this strategy, you’re helping your child develop emotional awareness and empathy. Over time, they’ll become more attuned to the feelings of others and better able to consider the emotional consequences of their actions.

Focus on Repair

Instead of forcing an apology, guide your child towards repairing the relationship they’ve damaged. This approach:

1. Teaches problem-solving skills: Your child learns how to actively make amends, not just say words.

2. Encourages taking responsibility for actions: Your child acknowledges their role in the conflict by thinking about how to repair the situation.

3. Fosters genuine empathy and understanding: Your child has to consider what the other person needs, promoting perspective-taking.

Examples of focusing on relationship repair:

  • “What do you think Tommy needs to hear right now?”
  • “I see two children having a hard time. Hmm… what could help?”
  • “Your friend looks sad. What could you do to help them feel better?”

This strategy might involve brainstorming ideas with your child about how to make amends. It could be offering a favourite toy, giving a hug (if the other child is comfortable with that), or doing something kind for the person they’ve hurt.

Remember, the goal isn’t to force your child to make amends but to guide them toward understanding the importance of repairing relationships and taking responsibility for their actions.

Give Time to Find Genuine Remorse

Our final strategy recognizes that genuine remorse and the desire to apologize can’t be rushed. This approach involves:

1. Acknowledging that your child might not be ready to apologize immediately: It’s okay if your child needs time to process what happened and how they feel about it. One of my favourite children’s books, The Sorry Plane, perfectly illustrates this.

2. Encouraging reflection on their actions: Help your child think about what happened, why it happened, and how it affected others.

3. Supporting them in expressing genuine remorse when they’re ready: When your child does feel ready to apologize, help them express their feelings sincerely.

Examples of giving time for genuine remorse:

  • “You aren’t ready to say sorry yet. When your sorry is ready, you can apologize.”
  • “When you find your sorries, you can talk to your brother.”
  • “Let’s take some time to think about what happened. We can talk about it when you’re ready.”

This strategy teaches children that apologies are meaningful expressions of remorse, not just words to say to get out of trouble. It also respects your child’s emotional process and helps them learn to manage their feelings in a healthy way.

Implementing These Strategies in Real-Life Situations

Putting these strategies into practice can be challenging, especially in public situations where you might feel pressure to address the behaviour immediately. Here are some tips for implementing these strategies effectively:

Stay Calm

Take a deep breath before responding. Your calm demeanour will help your child regulate their own emotions.

Remove Your Child from the Situation

If necessary, gently remove your child from the immediate situation to a quieter space where you can talk.

Acknowledge Both Children’s Feelings

Show empathy for both the child who was hit and your own child. “I see that Tommy is hurt, and I can see that you’re upset too.”

Use Simple Language

Especially for younger children, explain what happened and why it’s not okay using clear, simple language.

Be Consistent

Apply these strategies consistently, even when it’s inconvenient. Consistency helps children internalize these lessons.

Model the Behaviour You Want to See

If you make a mistake, model how to genuinely apologize and make amends.

Notice the Good

When you see your child handling conflicts well or showing empathy, narrate this out loud. Say something like:

“I noticed you apologized to your brother. You felt sorry for taking this toy.”

Remember, it’s okay to take a moment to collect yourself and respond thoughtfully rather than reactively. You might say something like, “I see what happened. Let’s take a moment to calm down, and then we’ll talk about it.” This gives both you and your child time to process the situation.

The Long-Term Benefits of Nurturing Empathy

While these strategies might take more time and effort in the moment, the long-term benefits are significant:

Improved Emotional Intelligence: Your child learns to recognize and manage their own emotions and those of others. This skill is crucial for success in relationships, school, and, eventually, the workplace.

Better Conflict Resolution Skills: By learning to consider others’ feelings and repair relationships, your child develops valuable conflict resolution skills that will serve them throughout life.

Stronger Relationships: Children who can empathize and make genuine amends tend to form stronger, more meaningful relationships with peers and family members.

Increased Self-Awareness: These strategies help children become more aware of their own emotions and behaviours, leading to better self-regulation over time.

Reduced Aggression: As children develop empathy and learn alternative ways to express their feelings, instances of hitting and other aggressive behaviours tend to decrease.

Enhanced Communication Skills: By encouraging your child to express their feelings and consider others’ perspectives, you’re helping them develop crucial communication skills.

Greater Resilience: Understanding emotions and how to navigate conflicts helps children become more resilient in the face of challenges.

The goal isn’t just to stop the hitting behaviour but to help your child develop the emotional tools they need to navigate conflicts and relationships throughout their life.

Conclusion

Parenting is a journey filled with challenges and learning opportunities. Helping our children develop empathy is one of the most important and rewarding aspects of that journey. We can nurture true empathy in our children by moving beyond forced apologies and implementing these four strategies – setting clear boundaries, noticing emotions without shame, focusing on relationship repair, and giving time for genuine remorse.

It takes patience, consistency, and a lot of deep breaths, but the results are worth it. You’re not just addressing a behaviour; you’re shaping a compassionate, emotionally intelligent human being who will be better equipped to navigate the complexities of relationships and society.

Every child is different, and it may take time to see results. Be patient with your child and with yourself. Celebrate small victories and keep noticing the good in your child. Over time, you’ll likely see a significant change in how your child handles conflicts and expresses their emotions.

If you want support with tackling challenging behaviours, our Parenting Little Kids course offers in-depth strategies for handling hitting, kicking, biting, sibling fights, tantrums, and so much more. Join thousands of families who have already transformed their homes with these tools. Because you’re ready for change, and we’re here to help every step of the way.

FAQs

Q: Why shouldn’t I make my child apologize immediately after hitting?

A: Forced apologies often lack sincerity and don’t teach true empathy. Instead, focus on helping your child understand the impact of their actions and guiding them towards genuine remorse.

Q: How can I help my child develop empathy?

A: Nurture empathy by modelling empathetic behaviour, discussing emotions openly, encouraging perspective-taking, and using the four strategies outlined in this post: setting clear boundaries, noticing emotions without shame, focusing on relationship repair, and giving time for genuine remorse.

Q: What if my child refuses to apologize even after I’ve given them time?

A: Continue to model empathy and guide them toward understanding the impact of their actions. Focus on repairing the relationship rather than forcing words. 

Q: How do I handle hitting in public situations?

A: Stay calm, remove your child from the situation if necessary, and apply the strategies consistently. It’s okay to take a moment to collect yourself before responding. Remember, handling the situation effectively is more important than appeasing onlookers.

Q: At what age can children start to understand empathy?

A: Children start developing empathy from a very young age, with signs appearing as early as 2 years old. Empathy continues to develop throughout childhood and adolescence. It’s never too early to start nurturing empathetic behaviour.

Article By

Jess VanderWier, MA, RP
Jess is a seasoned Registered Psychotherapist with a deep commitment to enhancing emotional well-being in children and families. Holding a Master's in Counselling Psychology, Jess has extensive clinical experience in guiding parents through their children's intense emotions, sleep struggles, anxiety, and other challenges with empathy and understanding. In addition to individual sessions, she is known for her work educating parents on social media through @nurturedfirst. Outside of her professional life, Jess enjoys the peace of nature hikes and spending as much time as possible enjoying her family.