How Co-Regulation Can Help Calm Toddler Tantrums

Written By

Jess VanderWier, MA, RP
February 3, 2025

This article has been reviewed by Nurtured First’s team of child development experts.

It’s dinnertime, the family is gathered around the table, and suddenly, your 4-year-old erupts into tears. The cause? Her sister has “more spaghetti” on her plate. In an instant, your peaceful family meal transforms into a whirlwind of emotions, leaving you caught between exasperation and the desperate desire to help your child.

Toddler meltdowns are a common challenge that many parents face daily. But what if there was a powerful tool that could help you navigate these stormy moments with grace and effectiveness? Enter co-regulation – a game-changing approach that can transform how you handle your toddler’s emotional outbursts.

Understanding the Anatomy of a Toddler Meltdown

Before we dive into solutions, it’s important to understand what’s really happening during these emotional outbursts. Toddlers are experiencing a whirlwind of big feelings in their little bodies, and often, they don’t have the tools to process these emotions effectively.

Common triggers for toddler meltdowns include:

  1. They are overstimulated
  2. They are hungry and tired
  3. They don’t know how to communicate the way they are feeling
  4. They lack impulse control
  5. They are still learning to manage disappointment

Dr. Daniel Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine and co-author of The Whole-Brain Child, explains that a child’s brain is still developing the connections between the emotional center (the limbic system) and the rational thinking area (the prefrontal cortex). This means that when big emotions hit, their brain quite literally can’t process logical thoughts effectively.

The Pitfall of Logic in Emotional Moments

It’s tempting to use logic to calm an upset toddler. You might find yourself saying something like, “You and your sister had the same amount of spaghetti! I know because I scooped it for you.” However, in the heat of the moment, logic is rarely helpful.

Why? Because your child’s brain is not yet fully developed (not even close), so they cannot access the logic and reasoning part of their brain in these moments of dysregulation. This is why reasoning, no matter how sound, rarely works during a meltdown.

Enter Co-Regulation: A Game-Changing Approach

So, if logic doesn’t work, what does? This is where co-regulation comes into play. Co-regulation is the process of lending your calm to your child. It’s about being a steady, soothing presence that helps your little one navigate their big emotions.

Through co-regulation, we aren’t aiming to dismiss or control what our child is feeling; we are helping them develop the ability to manage their own emotions. 

How Co-Regulation Works in Practice

Now that we understand what co-regulation means, let’s explore how co-regulation works in real-life situations:

1. Create a Safe Space for Emotions

Instead of trying to stop the tears or dismiss the emotions, acknowledge them. You might say, “It’s okay, hun. There are lots of tears to let out. I’m here.” This validation helps your child feel understood and accepted, even in their most challenging moments.

2. Use Physical Comfort

Sometimes, words aren’t necessary. Scoop your child into your arms, providing a safe haven for them to release their feelings. This physical connection can be incredibly soothing and helps your child feel secure amidst their emotional storm.

3. Teach Calming Strategies

Simple techniques can help shift your child’s focus and begin the calming process. For example:

  • Offer a cup of water with an ice cube: The novelty of the ice cube and the act of drinking can help distract and soothe.
  • Use deep breathing exercises: Guide your child to take slow, deep breaths with you.
  • Try the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique: Help your child identify 5 things they can see, 4 things they can touch, 3 things they can hear, 2 things they can smell, and 1 thing they can taste.

4. Maintain Consistency and Patience

As your child’s cries soften, continue to provide a calm presence. You might keep talking with your other children or gently tickle your upset child’s back, showing that you’re there and everything is okay. This consistency helps reinforce the feeling of safety and security.

The Long-Term Benefits of Co-Regulation

While co-regulation can help in the moment, its benefits extend far beyond a single meltdown. By consistently using this approach, you’re:

1. Building Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence

Co-regulation teaches children that it’s okay to have big feelings and shows them how to manage those emotions effectively. Over time, this helps develop their emotional intelligence – a crucial skill for success in all areas of life.

2. Strengthening Your Bond

These moments of connection during difficult times create a deep sense of trust and security between you and your child. Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned researcher on relationships, found that emotional attunement between parents and children leads to stronger, more positive relationships throughout life.

3. Preparing Them for the Future

Imagine your child as an adult coming home after a tough day at work. Instead of repressing their feelings or lashing out, they might sit down with a glass of cold water and talk through their emotions with a loved one. That’s the power of co-regulation in action – it’s setting the foundation for healthy emotional management throughout their life.

4. Reducing Overall Stress Levels

Consistent use of co-regulation can actually help reduce the frequency and intensity of meltdowns over time. As your child becomes better equipped to handle their emotions, they may find themselves less overwhelmed by everyday challenges.

Overcoming Common Challenges in Co-Regulation

While co-regulation is a powerful tool, it can be challenging to implement, especially when you’re dealing with your own stress and emotions. Here are some common challenges and how to address them:

1. Managing Your Own Emotions

It’s hard to lend your calm when you’re feeling anything but calm yourself. Practice self-care and develop your own emotional regulation skills. This might involve deep breathing, mindfulness practices, or seeking support from a partner or therapist.

2. Consistency in Different Situations

Co-regulation can be particularly challenging in public or high-stress situations. Remember that it’s okay to step away from a situation if possible. If not, focus on providing a calm presence even if you can’t fully engage in co-regulation techniques.

3. Dealing with Judgement from Others

You might face judgment from others who view co-regulation as “giving in” to tantrums. Stay confident in your approach, knowing that you’re building long-term emotional skills, not just managing behaviour in the moment.

4. Balancing Attention Between Multiple Children

When you have more than one child, it can be challenging to provide co-regulation while also attending to your other children. Involve all your children in the process when possible, teaching them about emotions and modelling calming tools with everyone in moments of calm. You may also sometimes need to let the upset child know that you are still with them and supporting them as you help your other children with their needs. 

Practical Tips for Implementing Co-Regulation in Daily Life

1. Create a “Calm Down Corner”: 

Designate a comfortable space in your home where your child can go to work through big emotions. Stock it with soothing items like soft toys, books, or sensory objects.

2. Use Visual Aids: 

Create a feelings chart or use emotion cards to help your child identify and express their emotions.

3. Practice During Calm Times: 

Don’t wait for a meltdown to discuss emotions. Discuss feelings and coping strategies regularly when everyone is calm. The Anger Toolkit is an excellent resource for teaching your child to cope with big feelings! 

4. Model Emotional Regulation: 

Let your child see you managing your own emotions in a healthy way. Narrate your process: “I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to take some deep breaths to calm down.”

5. Notice the Good: 

Acknowledge when your child successfully manages their emotions, no matter how small the victory.

Conclusion: Embracing the Journey of Emotional Growth

Parenting through toddler meltdowns is no easy task, co-regulation will be your most powerful tool. The goal isn’t to eliminate all meltdowns – that’s an unrealistic expectation. Instead, focus on being a calm, steady presence for your child during these stormy moments.

By welcoming your child’s tears and emotions, you’re teaching them valuable lessons about emotional regulation that will serve them well throughout their lives. You’re not just managing behaviour; you’re shaping how your child will handle stress and emotions for years.

So the next time spaghetti (or any other trigger) causes a meltdown, take a deep breath, scoop your little one into your arms, and remember: you’re doing important work in helping your child navigate their big feelings.

With tools like co-regulation in your parenting toolkit, you’re well-equipped to handle the big feelings that come your way. And even more, you’re teaching your child how to navigate their own big feelings. Eventually, they will be able to regulate themselves when they become sad or upset.

You’re not just raising a child; you’re nurturing an emotionally intelligent individual who will be well-prepared to face life’s challenges. Want to learn more about managing toddler tantrums and building emotional regulation skills? Our Parenting Little Kids course offers deep insights and practical tools to help you and your child thrive during these challenging but crucial years. Learn more about Parenting Little Kids here.

Article By

Jess VanderWier, MA, RP
Jess is a seasoned Registered Psychotherapist with a deep commitment to enhancing emotional well-being in children and families. Holding a Master's in Counselling Psychology, Jess has extensive clinical experience in guiding parents through their children's intense emotions, sleep struggles, anxiety, and other challenges with empathy and understanding. In addition to individual sessions, she is known for her work educating parents on social media through @nurturedfirst. Outside of her professional life, Jess enjoys the peace of nature hikes and spending as much time as possible enjoying her family.