Parents often find themselves in challenging situations with their children, especially when managing their anger. Recently, I had an eye-opening conversation with a father that perfectly illustrates this struggle. He shared a memory from his childhood:
“I was 7 years old and had spent the entire day building an elaborate tower out of Lego bricks. I was so proud of my creation. Then, in an instant, my sister accidentally knocked it over. I was devastated and furious. Without thinking, I started yelling and swearing at her. That’s when my mom walked in, shocked at my outburst. She told me that she’d have to spank me for the swearing, and then she spanked me 3 times.”
This scenario probably resonates with many parents. In the heat of the moment, resorting to spanking as a quick fix for such behaviour is tempting. But is it actually effective? Let’s explore why teaching anger management skills is a more powerful and long-lasting solution than spanking and how we can break the cycle of anger and punishment.
Table of Contents
The Cycle of Spanking and Anger
When we use spanking as a disciplinary tool, we often unintentionally reinforce negative self-perception in our children. Instead of giving our children the message that their behaviour is bad, they start to internalize the belief that they are bad.
This belief can lead to a destructive cycle of anger and aggression as children struggle to find healthy ways to express their emotions.
Spanking doesn’t teach children how to manage their anger effectively. It may stop the immediate behaviour, but it fails to provide the tools needed for long-term emotional regulation. A true lesson learned would involve learning how to cope with these emotions so children know how to handle anger in healthy ways.
Research supports this view. A comprehensive study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that spanking was associated with increased aggression, mental health problems, and cognitive difficulties in children. These findings underscore the importance of finding alternative methods to address anger and misbehaviour.
Understanding Childhood Anger
Before teaching our children how to manage their anger, we have to understand that anger is a normal part of child development. Children experience intense emotions but often lack the vocabulary and skills to express them appropriately. This is where we, as parents, play a crucial role.
Children’s brains are still developing their ability to regulate emotions. It’s our job to help them build these pathways in their brain through consistent, empathetic guidance.
Recognizing the underlying causes of anger in children can help us respond more effectively:
1. Frustration: When children can’t accomplish a task or get what they want.
2. Powerlessness: Feeling powerless over their environment or circumstances.
3. Overstimulation: Too much noise, activity, or sensory input.
4. Unmet needs: Hunger, tiredness, or a need for attention.
5. Learned behaviour: Mimicking angry responses they’ve observed in others.
By identifying these triggers, we can address the root causes of anger rather than just reacting to the outward behaviour.
What Can We Do Instead?
Now that we understand the ineffectiveness of spanking and the nature of childhood anger, let’s explore some powerful alternatives that can help children develop crucial emotional regulation skills.
1. Model Healthy Anger Management
Children learn by example, and our behaviour as parents sets the tone for how they handle their own emotions. As I talked to the father in the story I shared at the beginning of this blog, I asked him what would have happened if his parents had taught him emotional regulation tools instead of spanking him. He said: “Yeah, maybe I wouldn’t have got into so many fights back then (or now) if I had some tools to deal with my anger.”
Practice what you preach by demonstrating healthy ways to cope with anger:
- Take deep breaths and count to ten when you’re frustrated.
- Use “I feel” statements to express your emotions calmly.
- Take time to cool down when needed.
- Problem-solve out loud, showing your child how to work through anger constructively.
2. Teach Emotional Vocabulary
Many children act out in anger simply because they lack the words to express how they’re feeling. Helping your child identify and name their emotions is a crucial step in managing them.
Try these techniques:
- Use emotion charts with faces depicting different feelings.
- Read stories about emotions together.
- Play emotion charades to help children recognize and express different feelings.
- Regularly check in with your child about their emotional state.
3. Teach Coping Skills
Equip your child with strategies they can use when anger strikes. These techniques can help children regain control of their emotions:
- Deep breathing exercises: Teach your child to take slow, deep breaths when they feel angry.
- Progressive muscle relaxation: Guide your child through tensing and relaxing different muscle groups.
- Visualization: Help your child imagine a calm, happy place when they’re upset.
- Physical activity: Encourage your child to run, jump, or dance to release pent-up energy.
4. Create a Calm-Down Corner
Designate a special area in your home where your child can go to calm down when they’re feeling angry or overwhelmed. Stock this space with:
- Soft pillows or cushions
- Stress balls or fidget toys
- Colouring books and crayons
- A feelings chart
Spend time in this space with your child when they are calm and regulated, and show them how they can use it when they are feeling angry and overwhelmed.
5. Notice the Good
If you notice your child using coping tools to manage their anger, let them know you see this.
“I noticed how you took deep breaths when your brother took your toy. That was a great way to stay calm!”
6. Teach Problem-Solving Skills
Help your child develop the ability to resolve conflicts and find solutions to problems that make them angry. Guide them through these steps:
- Identify the problem
- Brainstorm possible solutions
- Choose the best solution
- Try it out
- Evaluate how it worked
This process empowers children to take control of their emotions and situations.
Want more tools for supporting your child with anger? Our Anger Toolkit includes engaging activities and worksheets to help your child understand, cope, and express their anger. Learn more about The Anger Toolkit here!
Breaking the Cycle: A Parent’s Journey
Changing our parenting approach is challenging, especially if we were raised with spanking as a primary disciplinary tool. Many parents fear being seen as “soft” or losing control. However, as our father in the story realized, “Maybe it’s not soft to allow the feelings and teach a skill… maybe it would actually give my son some tools so he doesn’t end up angry and yelling like me.”
Breaking this cycle requires self-reflection and a willingness to try new approaches. It’s about recognizing that by teaching our children how to manage their anger, we give them valuable life skills that will serve them well into adulthood.
Here are some steps to help you break the cycle:
- Reflect on your own childhood experiences of discipline and anger.
- Identify your triggers and work on managing your own emotions.
- Educate yourself about child development and positive parenting techniques.
- Practice new strategies consistently, even when it feels challenging.
- Seek support from other parents, support groups, or a family therapist.
- Be patient with yourself and your child as you both learn and grow.
It’s never too late to change your parenting approach. Every interaction is an opportunity to build a stronger, more positive relationship with your child.
Putting It All Together: A Real-Life Scenario
Let’s revisit our opening scenario and explore how it could play out using these new strategies:
Imagine the mom, having learned these techniques, approaches their angry child differently:
Mom: “I see you’re really upset that your Lego tower fell down. It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to yell and swear. Let’s take some deep breaths together to calm down. Can you tell me how you’re feeling without using those words?”
Child: “I spent ALL day building that tower, and then she stomped around the room and knocked it over. She didn’t even care that she broke it.”
Mom: “I understand you’re frustrated. You worked hard on that tower, and it wasn’t ok for your sister to knock it down. What would you like to say to your sister? (Give him a chance to express feelings to his sister.) Hmm… now we have a couple of options. We can rebuild it together, or we can take a break and try something new. What do you think?
This approach acknowledges the child’s feelings, teaches appropriate expression, and involves the child in problem-solving.
Conclusion
While spanking might seem like a quick solution to anger outbursts, it doesn’t address the root of the problem or provide children with the tools they need to manage their emotions effectively. By choosing to teach anger management skills instead, we’re helping our children in the short term AND setting them up for emotional success in the future.
It’s never too late to break the cycle and adopt new parenting strategies. As you embark on this journey, be patient with yourself and your child. Learning new skills takes time, but the results are worth it. Your child will thank you for it, and you might just find yourself growing in the process, too.
If you are interested in learning an approach to discipline that doesn’t involve spanking and instead allows you to focus on connecting with your child and teaching them tools to cope with their big feelings, we’d love to help.
Our Parenting Little Kids course gives you very tangible scripts, tools, and ideas to use in the most difficult parenting moments. You’ll learn what to say when you have two kids yelling at each other. You’ll be given actionable tools to help you decrease fighting, anger, and aggression. It will also help you get curious and collaborate with your child to help them learn new ways to meet their needs. Learn more about Parenting Little Kids here.
By committing to teaching anger management skills rather than resorting to spanking, you’re not just addressing immediate behaviour issues – you’re investing in your child’s emotional intelligence and future success. It’s a journey, but one that leads to stronger, healthier relationships and happier families.
